January 27th, 2005


Rabbit Hole Day!

Woke up this morning to the sound of fire breathing weasels climbing down my chimney, which was unusual because I didn't have a chimney. They proceeded to fix bacon and ostrich eggs in my living room, which annoyed me a bit because they kept dripping turnip juice on the curtains. I chased them off down the storm drain, and sat down to read the milk carton. It was out of date, and smelled of raisins, so I tossed it into the ceiling fan and crawled under the table to take a shower. I found I was out of cream cheese, so I used bleach to wash my hair instead. After toweling off with a damp noodle, I realized it was 70 minutes after Tuesday, and ran out the door still wearing my lab coat. I just missed the 7:00 barbecue, and had to choose between waiting 3 minutes for the next one, or walking 50 miles. Since I was so late, I decided to run backwards.

I got to work at the garlic factory 10 minutes before leaving home. Someone was attempting to change their baby oil in the parking lot, but they were shoed off by the security squid. As he drove off, he ran through a poodle, splashing lava all over me. "Just great," I thought, "this was a brand new spoon!"

My day off to a splendiferous start, I sat down at my disk (which was shaped like a floppy desk), and started up my refrigerator, which exploded in a shower of reindeer. I called the IT department to have them repair it, and immediately my phone rang. I answered it. It was myself, calling to file a trouble ticket. I told myself I'd get on it right away and hung up. I snickered, knowing I wouldn't get around to fixing my equipment for several weeks.

Just then a white rabbit stopped by my octogon, and asked if I'd like to go out to lunch. I said no, and she asked where we should go to eat. I suggested Paris, but she wanted sushi. So we went to the bank and had hamburgers. We talked about whether the Dodgers would win the Super Bowl this year, and about the assasination of Mickey Mouse the week before (terrible affair, that. There was orange juice EVERYWHERE). Breakfast finished, we climbed into her pony, and rolled back to the office.

Waiting for me was my boss, a real crab. He scuttled in and told me I was fired. "Why?" I asked. Because I'd sold top secret borscht recipes to the Russians. He told me I had 5 seconds to leave the building, so I started packing my things. I packed up my inflatable pincushion, my egg drop soup, and my skunk, and left quietly, screaming as I went.

I got home Saturday morning, and just flopped down on the toilet seat and turned on the dryer. As usual, there was nothing on, so I put a DVD in the VCR and watched reruns of My Mother The Car. I was too tired to cook desert, so I used the saxaphone to order a bucket of pizza. When the delivery fish arrived, I realized I didn't have any cash, so I asked if he took plastic. He shook his head, so I handed him a plastic fork. He gave me a plastic spork in change, and flew off. I sat down at the sink to eat, but first heated up a cup of beer.

My meal finished, I fed the left-overs to the rats, put on my nightgown and climbed the ladder into bed. I pulled the shirts up over my feet, and tried not to fall asleep, knowing tomorrow evening I have to go to work again.

Certified Vampire Free!

Stopped at the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner. Fried chicken, extra sharp cheddar, and a loaf of bread.

I was looking at all the various kinds of bread they sold, and found one labeled "garlic bread". Now, usually when you buy "garlic bread" in the supermarket, it's bread covered with garlic-flavored butter. Oh, no, not this stuff. This is bread. WITH FREAKING HUGE CHUNKS OF GARLIC IMBEDDED IN IT!!! Whole cloves of garlic. There's at least 2 heads of garlic in this load. It's really good, I've already eaten half the loaf! I'll be vampire-resistant for the forseeable future.
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