December 22nd, 2007

Scuzz the Rat

Year of the Mall Rat

We went out for Chinese food today.  (No, we're not Jewish, and it's not Christmas Day yet!)  After the meal, the waitress brought me a wall calendar.  I knew next year would be the Year of the Rat, so I was quite eager.

Here's the calendar they gave me:

Whoa!  Major cameltoe on that rat!

When I went to the front to pay the bill, I noticed they had several other Rat calendars, though none of them really caught my fancy, save one.  I asked if I could have one of those, and the guy gave me one:

I received the first of my shipments today.  I got Meet the Feebles and The White Seal on DVD (alas, they haven't sent Rikki-Tikki-Tavi or Mowgli's Brothers, even though they were in stock), a CD of Dr. Demento music, Hits from Outer Space, and a box set of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials in hardcover.

While shopping at Sam's Club, I discovered they had the boxed set of Harry Potter novels in hardcover, for a mere $104!  The set normally lists for $195, though Amazon has it for $117.  The box looks like a chest complete with lock, handles and a sheet of old-fashioned suitcase labels.

I desperately need a new pair of boots.  These would be fine except the soles have worn almost completely flat.  They are becoming quite treacherous when walking on ice.  I tried going to the mall today to search for boots, but the place was insanely crowded, much worse than Black Friday.  It took quite a bit of driving around to find a place in the back of the lot.  I finally managed to get inside, but couldn't find a store that sold the kind of boots I'm looking for (steel toed with ESD protection).  Getting out of the maul was even worse.  It seemed like everyone picked that moment to leave, as there were now plenty of open spaces and the line of cars going out was now beginning to stretch from one exit to the next.

I tried to use Goog-411 to find a store that sold boots, but apparently their voice recognition software can't understand the difference between "boot" and "boat".  So I'm stuck with these old things for the time being.
Stone Trek

Banned From Argo

When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R&R,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we.

Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, everyone.
Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun.
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,
But Argo doesn't want us any more.

The Captain's tastes were simple, but his methods were complex.
We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex.
The Shore Police were on the way-we had no second chance.
We beamed him up in the nick of time-and the remnants of his pants.

Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew;
He out-drank seven space marines and a demolition crew.
The Navigator didn't win, but he out-drank almost all,
And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.

Our proper, cool First Officer was drugged with something green,
And hauled into an alley, where he suffered things obscene.
He sobered up in Sickbay and he's none the worse for wear,
Except he's somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear.

The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar,
Buying an odd green potion "guaranteed to cause Pon-Farr."
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart,
And a painful way of walking-with her feet a yard apart.

Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet
By getting into the planet's main communications net.
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen,
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.

Our Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet.
The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free-
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD.

Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.
He took some down on leave with him and we wondered what they'd do,
'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!

A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play,
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.

Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride.
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us!

  • Current Music
    "Banned From Argo" by Leslie Fish
  • Tags


The case for the Dr. Demento CD was cracked, but I wasn't going to complain, CD cases are a dime a dozen.

But then I noticed that the case for The White Seal was cracked.  This is a bit annoying, as DVD cases are a bit harder to come by.  But the damage didn't appear to be too bad (until I looked inside), so I was still about to let things slide.

Then I noticed that the third item I'd ordered, Meet the Feebles, also had a broken case.  A badly broken case.  With chunks missing.

The shmucks apparently didn't understand that putting fragile plastic cases into a box with a VERY HEAVY SET OF BOOKS just might result in some damage.

I'm exchanging all three items.  At least they will be paying the postage on it.

I've ripped the Dr. Demento CD so that I can at least listen to it while it is being replaced.

There is some scoring on the slipcase the books came in.  It's not noticeable unless you look for it.  I'm halfway tempted to force them to replace the whole order, but they'd probably ship the replacements in the same box again.